Hey kids, winter vacation in Detroit for Central Michigan and who the hell cares? Hell yeah!
A Heart of Dallas road trip to see a resurgent Southern Miss and a barely scraping by Washington? Outdoors? In the old Cotton Bowl? No, they haven’t torn it down yet. Sure they moved its namesake bowl to the obscenity that is the Jerry Dome. Sure! Let’s go sit out in that Dallas winter cold!
Hell, I live in Vegas and won’t attend any more Vegas bowls played after 5PM. It either rains, or we get massive windstorms right around that time of year. Remember that year when Oregon State played BYU, and the Beavers punted and the ball got caught in a 75 MPH cross wind and landed 10 feet behind the punter after it was kicked? I do. I was there, it was the second quarter, and it was enough to make my Wife and I head right for the car to drive home and watch the rest on TV.
One of the gifts that keep on giving this bowl season is that we get to see two teams from the same conference play each other in a bowl. That’s right, Colorado State and Nevada will square off forcing some two share split of whatever crappy check comes out of this mess.
Neither team was relatively worthy of this honor, but Colorado State did finish with a relatively slightly average Quality Win/Loss Index number of 29, good for 52nd nationally. Nevada, which finished with a miserable -55 against their 2015 schedule, should never have been considered in a sane environment.
Final Verdict: Do something worthy of your time, like flushing your radiator, or taking a polar bear plunge instead of wasting your time here.
In this viewing gem, we get Central Michigan, who I am sure would have done anything to get the hell out of the great frozen north in the winter, only to get told that they can stay home, against a 5-7 Minnesota team that while sucking for a good most of the season, and far underperforming to my pre-season expectations, got to a bowl because their football players, in a novel concept of sorts, actually went to class and got passing grades. Sounds great to me!
Final Verdict: No…just no.
Now I will give some credit to Trent Miles and his Georgia State Panthers. This team won four straight to get into this bowl, but since when is finishing 6-6 in the nation’s worst conference worthy of playing in a bowl? Well, welcome to the modern bowl era, where average is awesome!
Want to plan a family trip to Orlando? How about on 12/19? Nobody will be there. I promise.
Final Verdict: If you screw over your Christmas shopping for this game, then you’re just an asshole.
In this shitfest, we are saddled with a 6-6 Tulsa team playing Virginia Tech, also 6-6. At least Bobby Bowden got to check out with a New Year’s Day bowl, and he was no better in that final season than Beamer was this season. Where’s the love? I am guessing that Beamer would rather quit now than take a trip to averageville and coast out on this wing dinger.
Final Verdict: Even Tech fans should skip it and wait until the Justin Fuente era begins in 2016.
Do you at least get to chop a commemorative log for going there this time of year? No? Then oh hell no.
Final Verdict: Forget about this game. This spud is a dud.
Arizona, at 6-6, is taking on New Mexico, at 7-5. At least UNM is playing a home game, but leaving Tucson for this locale in December is just punishment.
Final Verdict: I don’t know what Gildan is, and I don’t care. I’d rather jump in a Walmart mosh pit for that last Vizio flat screen at midnight on Black Friday than waste my time with this bore fest.
Speaking earlier of watching paint dry, U Conn is playing in this game, and that makes it worth eating a whole fruitcake and puking it up afterwards a better option than tuning in. If you are loathe to teams moving the football, than U Conn is your club! They take on Marshall, who really is a better football team at 9-3 than a team that deserves the fate of playing in a game that’s not even sponsored in today’s sponsorship happy world. Or, wait, is it sponsored by the city? Yes? No? God, I am confused.
Final Verdict: Drown yourself in left over eggnog rather than subjecting yourself to what a 6-6 U Conn team calls offense. By the way, U Conn scored a horrid -69 on our Quality Win/Loss Index. So, there’s that.
So UCLA gets the reward (punishment) of playing a game on what is particularly known as the stadium with the worst field conditions in the nation in Santa Clara (unless you count the field at the University of Rhode Island, because that shit is an ankle injury a minute God awful mess) against a team that played a losing season out but got to come to a bowl because their kids went to class and ESPN just loves rewarding mediocrity! That’s what you get for losing to Arizona State and a below average USC team last week! By the way, I am begging Santa Guerrero to find a way to fire Noel Mazzone, UCLA’s OC, one of the most overrated assistants in the nation. That would be swell. Thanks. I am sure UCLA will be so uninspired, that they may actually find a way to lose to Nebraska in this snore fest. I’m sure the fans will turn out up there as well, right?
Final Verdict: The Chicken Bowl? How about the Chicken Shit Bowl? That’s more like it.
Final Verdict: College football in New York is what apple pie covered in fish sauce is like. The two just do not mix.
So you want to take the wife and kids to the Bahamas for Christmas Eve? Well, I think that’s just ridiculous, but whatever. What’s worse is that you will make them watch Western Michigan and Middle Tennessee, both 7-5 football teams that have a collective Quality Win/Loss Index number of -16. Thrilling, right? Seriously...this game needs to be discontinued, and the sooner the better.
Final Verdict: It’s Christmas Eve for the love of God. Do something Christmas-like that doesn’t include football in backwater locales, like playing with your kids or something. Bahamas for Christmas? Bah humbug.